Wishing You Were Here
by Dimcairien
Summary: You were once my one companion, you were all that mattered. You were once a friend and father, then my world was shattered. Song fic from Phantom of the Opera. Harry thinks about Remus and Sirius after the final Battle. Rated for theme.


**A/N So, I was playing some piano music from Phantom of the Opera and realized that this song would make for a good song fic. It's called 'Wishing You Were Somehow Here Again' and it's a song that Christine sings about her father. In this case, I'm making it Harry thinking mainly about Sirius after the Battle of Hogwarts. There will be a bit of Remus in here as well.  
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**Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Phantom of the Opera.  
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So much had happened in the past few years. So much, that at times it felt like it had been too much. In fact, it had to have been too much. Harry was currently sitting under a tree at the Burrow trying to work out his thoughts. His mind drifted back to the two years he had had Sirius in his life and the five years Remus had been there.

**_You were once my one companion_**

Even though he had several close friends, nothing could change the bond between godfather and godson, or in Remus' case, the surrogate nephew/uncle relationship. He had told them things he never would be able to tell his friends, things he could only tell a parent. He had had complete trust in the both of them.**  
**

**_You were all that mattered_**

Once he had found out that Sirius was his godfather, Harry had been determined to not disappoint him. Sirius had been his true guardian, even though he had still been at the Dursleys. It was slightly different with Remus. Harry hadn't wanted to disappoint Remus either, but that partly had to do with the fact that Remus had been his professor. Later, when he had found out that Remus too had been a close friend of his father's, Harry had been all the more determined not to disappoint him. He hoped that he had done so with both of them. He had needed someone to tell him that he was doing a good job, to be there for him, and Remus and Sirius had done that while they had been around.

**_You were once a friend and father_**

Out of all the father figures he had had during his lifetime, which weren't that many: Remus, Dumbledore, Mr. Weasley, and Sirius, Sirius was the one that had seemed the most like a father. But he had also been a friend at the same time. Remus too had acted like a father. He had taught Harry how to defend himself with the Patronus charm and after Sirius had died, Remus had been there whenever he could.

**_Then my world was shattered_**

That night was one of the worst nights every for Harry. That night was when everything started to go wrong. Then there was that horrible day, only a little over a month ago. Now, everything with Voldemort had been fixed, but nothing was as it should be. Something had changed in him that night at the Ministry, something had snapped. Up until Sirius died, Harry knew he still had a small amount of innocence, even though he had already seen death. After Sirius had died, Harry knew how cruel the world really was first hand. And now, the world was still in pieces, but they were gradually being picked up. His world had been shattered, but he knew in time most of it would be fixed.

**_Wishing you were somehow here again_**

Not a day went by when Harry didn't wish that Sirius was still alive. It might have been three years, but to Harry it could have been yesterday, he remembered everything so clearly. He was still getting used to the idea that Remus was gone as well. It had only been a month since the final battle, and the reality of the deaths hadn't fully struck. He knew that Remus was gone and he believed it, but for some reason it still didn't seem as if it could be true. He would give almost anything to have the two of them back with him.

**_Wishing you were somehow near_**

There were days when he could almost feel Sirius and Remus' presence and other days they seemed so far away. Harry knew that they were closer than he thought. He knew that they and his parents were watching over him. There had been many times when he had had a question and he desperately wished that he could ask Sirius or Remus, but he knew that he never would. He only could wonder what they would think, but never actually know their answers.**  
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**_Sometimes it seemed if I just dreamed_**

Those moments he had spent with Sirius prior to his fifth year seemed so perfect that sometimes Harry wondered if they had actually happened. The hours he had spent talking about his parents and just life were so strange, so unique, that they easily could have been dreams. He knew they couldn't be dreams though, they really had happened: all of the discussions, the laughter, the tears, the relationships had all been so real, so perfect, that they seemed like a dream._  
_

**_Somehow you would be here_**

Several times Harry had thought he had seen Sirius or Remus, but he knew that it was simply his mind playing tricks on him. Dreams could not come to life. Harry had learned that the hard way. Yes, sometimes they might partially come true. He had always dreamed of being rescued from the Dursleys, and in a sense, the Weasleys, Sirius, and Remus had done that, but not entirely, not so he never had to return. If only there were some way for Sirius and Remus to still be among the living, he needed them.**  
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**_Wishing I could hear your voice again_**

Now, with everything that had happened, Harry needed an encouraging word, but he didn't know who to turn to. He had always known that Remus or Sirius would help him. Simply a word from one of them would be encouraging. Now, he knew he'd never hear them again, not their true voices. He could never ask a simple question and get a calm, thoughtful answer. He was already forgetting what Sirius and Remus' voices sounded like. He didn't want to forget that, he couldn't forget it, but it was happening. The voices heard in a Penseive might belong to the person, but they weren't someone's true voice, they never could be. Nothing could replace hearing the actual voice of a friend, a father.**  
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**_Knowing that I never would_**

The only way he would see and hear Remus and Sirius again would be when his time came. Until then, he simply had to remember them. He had to remember what the looked like, what they sounded like, how they walked. He had to hold on to who they had been. If he forgot anything, it would be as if he had completely lost them. **  
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**_Dreaming of you won't help me to do_**

There were many, many nights that Harry woke up after seeing either Remus, Sirius, or the both of them in his dreams. Every time he had a dream like that, Harry would wish even harder that his two friends, his two fathers, would be there, just outside his bedroom door.**  
**

**_All that you dreamed I could_**

Sirius had told him that he would grow up to be a wonderful man just like his father. Harry desperately hoped that this was true. Sirius and Remus had both been encouraging men. Without the two of them, Harry knew that he wouldn't have survived to see this day. They had both told him to do what he wanted to in life, to achieve what he wanted to. It was because of their encouragement that Harry was going to join the Auror forces in a few weeks. If they hadn't kept telling him that he could do it, he most likely would have given up.

**_Passing bells and sculpted angels_**

**_Cold and monumental seem, for you the wrong companions_**

Harry grinned slightly. Sirius the prankster, in heaven. That almost seemed as if it were a disaster waiting to happen. Combine Sirius and Remus with his father, and it really would be chaotic. He wondered how his mother was surviving with the three best friends together. He had visited the gravesides of the two pranksters, and it was true, nothing in a graveyard fit who the two men had been in life. Someday, the next time he went, he would bring something from WWW to decorate the graves with. He knew that would fit who they truly were.**  
**

**_You were warm and gentle_**

Even twelve years in Azkaban couldn't remove Sirius' loving heart. Sirius had been willing to risk everything, no he had risked everything, for him. Nothing could compare to the love that Sirius had had for Harry. It was a complete love, a love that was so complete that Harry still felt it deep down. He knew that Sirius had loved him as a son and had treated him like one too.

Remus too had been a very loving, calm thoughtful person. Everything that everyone had thought not possible in a werewolf had been in Remus. Harry had only seen Remus get angry a few times, and they all were just reasons to get angry.**  
**

Both of them had been people Harry could say anything to without them loosing their tempers. If he close his eyes, he could almost feel either of them hugging him.

**_Too many years fighting back tears_**

Even now, three years after Sirius had died, Harry still cried. He couldn't cry in front of others, that was a sign of weakness and he mustn't show signs of weakness. He constantly had fought against the tears that always threatened to arrive. He had been fighting them for far too long, but he couldn't stop fighting them. He knew he had to stop fighting and let them come, but he just couldn't do it.**  
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And Remus, it had only been a month, but Harry still wept for him too. He couldn't keep fighting these tears that were always threatening to arrive, but he needed to. He didn't want to, he thought he couldn't stop fighting, but he needed to somehow stop.

**_Why can't the past just die?_**

Not for the first time, and certainly not for the last, Harry wished that his life could have been different. But, it had happened and he knew he had to let go, but how? He had horrible and wonderful memories of his past, but nearly every single wonderful memory was somehow or other tied with a horrible one. Every single person he was friends with, every single person with whom he had a wonderful memory, had gone through a horrible event and where forever tied to a horrible event as well. There were days when he wanted to forget everything that had happened to him these past seventeen years and simply start over. He wished he could have had a childhood. The past, oftentimes awful, would always be there.**  
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**_Wishing you were somehow here again_**

Why did everyone have to die? Remus, Sirius, Tonks, Fred, Cedric … There was no way any of them could ever return, but that didn't stop him from hoping that they could. There was no way, there was no spell to raise people from the dead. For the rest of this life, Harry would remember his friends and wish that they were still there. He knew that he would never fully recover. There never would be a time when he would not wish that Sirius and Remus were still with him.**  
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**_Knowing we must say, "Goodbye"_**

That was always the worst. He did not want to let go of either Sirius or Remus. Saying a final goodbye to them would mean that he was letting them go and he couldn't do that, not when that would mean loosing the last link to his parents. He couldn't bear the thought of letting them fully go.**  
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**_Try to forgive, teach me to live_**

"Please," he murmured, "please let me know what I'm supposed to do." He still blamed himself for the death of Sirius and in a different sense, Remus. It was completely his fault that Sirius had died. If he hadn't believed the vision and gone to the Ministry, Sirius wouldn't have left Grimmlaud place and gotten killed. Remus had chosen to be at Hogwarts for the battle, but that still didn't stop Harry from believing that there could have been a different way. He should have given himself up earlier, then perhaps more people could have lived. But, no matter if the deaths were his fault or not, he needed to learn how to live again. He needed to learn to forgive himself and to make a new life for him in the world.**  
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**_Give me the strength to try_**

He knew that he would be able to recover, somehow or other, he'd make it. He had to. If he didn't try to live, if he didn't have to strength to live, then all of the deaths would be for nothing. Everyone who survived needed to have the strength to make new lives. He didn't know if he had the strength at the moment, but he knew that somehow he could get it, somehow everyone who needed it would get it.**  
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**_No more memories, no more silent tears_**

Harry carefully brushed away several tears that had started to wet his cheeks. No, it wasn't right. He shouldn't cry, but the memories almost always brought tears, whether they were tears of laughter or tears of sorrow. Almost every single day these past three years he had thought of Sirius, and more often than not, he became teary-eyed. The memories could be wonderful, but horrible at the same time. Some days he wished that he could get rid of all memories and tears, but he knew that was wrong. The memories and tears were what connected him to Remus and Sirius. They were one of the few things that still connected him with them.**  
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**_No more gazing across the wasted years_**

The past was over. There was no going back. He would never get time with Sirius and Remus until his time to die. He had a life ahead of him and he knew that Remus and Sirius would be very disappointed if he did not live it. He could not waste his life looking on the past. He had to learn to look to the future. He had friends and family to be with, to love. He had a godson to raise. Harry knew what living in the past could do to a person and he didn't want to get stuck in that rut. He had to force himself up and begin anew.**  
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**_Help me say, "Goodbye"_**

He needed to learn to let go of the past, let go of Sirius' death, let go of Remus' death, but not forget them. He could not let Sirius or Remus' passing hold him back. He would remember it, but he knew that he also needed to move on. He needed to say 'Goodbye' in order to continue on. That was what Sirius and Remus would want him to do and he couldn't until he let them go.**  
**

**_Help me say, "Goodbye"_**

"Both of you were fathers and friends to me," he murmured. "Why did you have to go? Why? I wish the two of you were still here. I don't know what I'm supposed to do! Please help me, please! I need you two." Harry pulled his knees up and bowed his head until it was nearly touching his knees. He grasped his legs with his hands and struggled to keep the tears away, but it didn't work. Slowly, but surely, he began to cry. It wasn't the few tears he had shed previously, this was a full out cry. It was a cry for all in injustice in the world, a cry for everyone who had lost their parents in these two wars. Much later, when all his tears were used up, Harry looked up bleary eyed. Through his tears, he thought he could see Sirius, Remus, and his parents. "Please help me to learn how to say 'Goodbye'," he murmured.**  
**

Then, for the first time in nearly three years, Harry felt at peace. He felt a strange sense of relief. He knew that while he would always desperately miss Sirius and Remus, that he had learned to let go of his past, of all the death and destruction that had been a part of it, and that now he could and would make a new life for himself.

Slowly, he stood up, and after gazing skyward one last time, walked towards the Burrow and Ginny's open arms.


End file.
